“Self-interest”
by Kelvin H. Chin
Meditation Teacher
Self-Care
Self-interest is the same as self-care, but is more innate. Self-interest is “built in.” Self-care needs to be learned and be acted upon.
Selfishness
When one’s self-interest becomes so dominant that it is at the exclusion of all others’ interests to the point of harming them, emotionally, mentally or physically.
Acknowledge and Monitor
So we need to first acknowledge that we each have self-interest. That it exists as a natural — and emotionally and morally “neutral” — state of mind. Arguably a critical and life sustaining element of every mind. Every individual consciousness. So we need to discard any negative labels that we may have incorrectly associated with being self interested. That is step #1.
And then we need to each monitor our own mind’s innate tendencies towards self-interest. To ensure that we don’t stray into the “selfish” range — because that’s what it is, a range, not a black and white line — where we either consciously engage in hurting others by our selfishness, our excessive self interest, or where we unconsciously hurt others through our laziness and lack of self awareness about our thoughts and actions.
Finally, those who have allowed — maybe even encouraged — themselves to become selfish human beings we call “self absorbed” people. So absorbed with their own self interest as to not care whether they hurt others in the process. And who may even gain happiness and enjoyment from hurting others — the very definition of “cruelty” towards other people.
We also call such people “narcissists.”
So, as you can see, it’s more of a spectrum of how the human mind thinks and chooses. It’s not as black and white as some may lead you to believe.
And it’s reparable.
The farther you may move towards the narcissistic end of the spectrum, the harder it is to balance yourself more towards the neutral state of being self-interested. But most of us hover more in the middle range. And if we become aware of how this is in fact a range, we can make conscious better choices about how we both view ourselves as individuals and how our behavior affects those we interact with.
If we recognize and embrace that we are all self-interested — innately as part of the inherent structure of our minds, then we can actually use that knowledge to enhance our relationships with others, in the following way. If we identify their self-interests, and we can help them meet those interests they may have, we will bring happiness to them. And by doing so, we indirectly bring greater happiness to ourselves.
It’s not complicated. But it starts by acknowledging that we are all self-interested. And by identifying other people’s self-interests. Then deciding if those self-interests align enough with ours. And if so, help them make their self-interests a reality.
I say align “enough” because no alignment is ever perfect. But, 70-80% alignment is probably heavenly and 60% is acceptable. But 30-40% is likely unacceptable.
For example, just because you see a powerful leader have a self-interest that aligns with your religious, economic or social goals does not mean you automatically help him meet his interests. You need to ask yourself, “How is he planning on meeting those goals?” “Is he taking the ‘crush everyone in our way’ approach to accomplish those goals?” Does he have “the ends justify any means” belief system? Cheat, lie, steal — it doesn’t matter.
Then you might decide that is insufficient alignment for you to support that person’s self-interests.
On the other hand, perhaps your wife really wants to go on a day trip to a place that you both enjoy visiting. But you would rather stay home and read a book and watch the football game. What do you do?
Whose self-interest wins in this scenario? Do you view it as “her” interest versus “my” interest? A competition? You certainly can choose to look at it that way. And you may decide, using that lens, that you’re going to be “selfless” and go on the day trip with her.
It’s the “either or” view of the scenario. Which is not incorrect, of course.
But I think a slightly different way of looking at that choice may be more self-sustaining for ourselves, in this case the husband.
Why not instead say to oneself, “My love of my wife makes me so happy — arguably a lot happier than staying home and watching a football game — that I’m going with her on the day trip!”
This is probably the unconscious calculus that’s going on in your mind. A weighing of the options. And a decision. But why not make it a conscious articulation inside?
So, ok. You can call that “selfless” if it makes you feel good. But I see it differently. I see it as your choosing a different way to make yourself happy — perhaps even an overlap of interests (her and yours) — meeting your self-interest of seeking happiness — that INCLUDES another human being. In this case, arguably the most important human being in your life, besides yourself.
And what a life sustaining — and yes, relationship sustaining — choice it is!
To me, by seeing this choice through that different lens brings clarity to our thoughts and actions, and perhaps sets us up for greater ease and spontaneity going forward when making such gray area life choices.
Kelvin H. Chin is a Meditation Teacher, Life After Life Expert, and Author of “Overcoming the Fear of Death,” “Marcus Aurelius Updated: 21st Century Meditations On Living Life” and “After the Afterlife: Memories of My Past Lives.” He learned to meditate at age 19, and has been teaching Turning Within Meditation and coaching others in their self-growth for 50 years. He helps people understand their life challenges through their individual belief systems, and helps them find their own solutions. His past life memories reach back many centuries, and he accesses those memories in his teaching and his coaching in the same way all coaches draw on their own available experiences for perspective and effective analogies. He can be reached at www.TurningWithin.org.